Get Born!

Let me just start by saying that I hope dumbness is not hereditary. Because on the day that Nubby came into this world, I was pretty dumb. I am, in fact, living proof that no matter how much you read about how to do something, you can still do it wrong. Because I read A LOT about the labor process and what would happen that day and how any sane person should act, and then I didn't do any of it.

When I got out of bed that morning about 7:30, I felt something run down my leg and I thought, "Huh. I wonder." And I went immediately to the bathroom (cause when you're pregnant, you're pretty much always either going to the bathroom and returning from it), kinda shuffling and trying to keep my legs together, but pretty much already knowing that my water had broken. I was there alone and I sort of stood in the middle of the bathroom in a fog wondering what to do (take note above where I mention reading eleventy-billion books/articles/pamphlets/cereal boxes entitled "What to do when you're in labor").

Did I call my doctor? No, because I actually had a doctor's appointment that morning at 8:30 for my weekly checkup. I was going to see him anyway, right, why bother with a phone call?

Did I call my husband, the father of the child now raising its tray table and beginning it's descent into the Charlotte Metro Area? No, because I knew he had an important meeting that morning at 9:00 which is why this was only the second of my doctor's appointments he was going to miss.

Did I get my already packed hospital bag just in case? No, I did not.

And why did I not do any of these things you ask. Because one phrase from all those things I had read was stuck in my head. "Once labor begins, YOU HAVE HOURS." I had hours, I thought. I hadn't even had any contractions yet, and all the books say prepare for many hours of laboring at home until the contractions get fast and furious. I'd go to the doctor and he'd tell me to go home and wait for the contractions to get bad, then me and my baby daddy would skip merrily off to the hospital together to meet our Nubby.

Instead this is what happened: I called no one. I fed the animals, I got dressed, I laid a towel on the seat of the car, and I drove to the doctor's office. That went sort of like this:

Doc: Holy crap, you're having a baby.
Me: Oh, okay then.
Doc: I'll call the hospital and tell them you're on your way.
Me: Now?
Doc: I said, YOU'RE HAVING A BABY.
Me: Can I go home first?
Doc: *heavy sigh*

So I left the doctor's office and called my loving husband who was in a carpool on the way to his Big Meeting on the other side of the world and told him I was off to have a baby. Then I did go home and get my bag and my laptop (my maternity leave hadn't officialy started yet and I was supposed to work that day) and then drove to the hospital (still no contractions by the way). I was incredibly calm that whole morning. Unflappable really. The only other time I've been so cool and collected was on my wedding day. Deciding what to make for dinner gives me the vapors, but major life-changing events - noooo problem.

So there I am at the hospital now and I walk up to the receptionist and smile charmingly at her, as is my wont, and say "Hi! I'm having a baby." She stares at me, unimpressed, "Next window." Okay anti-climactic for the win! So I head around the corner to the real receiving area and do the paperwork thing and then a nurse comes to fetch me. I'm not sure what I was expecting. Pom-poms maybe and a little song of welcome maybe. But L&D nurses are all business. I guess you have to be with something like 300 babies a month being churned out at my hospital.

You get asked a LOT of questions when you're having a baby. After I'd been dressed in the Hospital Gown of Shameful Butt Baring and hooked up to a score of monitors, my nurse started asking me questions. Questions questions questions. About every cold I'd ever had, every organ in my body, every quirk of my being, everything. And at the end, they had the gall to ask, "Is there any other medical information we should know?" So I said, "Well. I'm pregnant."