Week Thirty Two but not really

Do not adjust your page-a-day calendars. You have not gone back in time - this is just what I meant to write during week thirty two.

A couple weeks ago, my boy and I attended two classes at the hospital. One was an all day class on Prepared Childbirth. It basically walked us through what having a baby was like and all the things that would go on during on our hospital stay. In the middle of the day, we went through some breathing and relaxation techniques and "practice" contractions. It included many things we could do to get through contractions and labor in general without drugs. The other class we took was a talk of about 45 minutes given by an anesthesiologist and was about Pain Management. That is, it was mostly about the drugs we can avail ourselves of whilst delivering our bundles which, while little, are much bigger than their exit route and thus, some discomfort may occur. Or so I've heard.

Seriously though, this is something I've thought long and...well, seriously about. When I first found out I was pregnant I used to joke around while seated comfortably on the couch, "This right here is my pain threshold. If it hurts more than this, I shall be requiring an epidural." But that was mostly because drug jokes make for good comedy. In reality, I don't relish the idea of taking drugs at all. I don't like the idea of putting high fructose corn syrup in my body - especially while there's a baby in it. Why would I want to pump narcotics or paralyzing agents into myself - especially while there's a baby in me?

Now the anesthesiologist told us that something like 80% of the women in our hospital get an epidural and about 15% of those who don't are just because they go through labor so quickly there's no time. He tells us this, he says, so we won't feel disappointed or like we've failed when we decide to get the medicine. What I wonder is how many of those women who did get an epidural did so even after they planned not to. Because that's where I'm at right now.

My plan, right now (as I am sitting here comfortably) is to not have an epidural. I think this decision is largely informed by my pregnancy up to this point which has honestly been pretty darn easy. Sure I've found reason to complain, but having read the books and the websites describing all the terribleness that could've happened, I feel like I've been sailing up to this point (knock on wood or something - I don't want to jinx it). I feel like, as unlikely as conception and creation and the bearing of a child sounds from an objective standpoint, that my body really was designed for this purpose and God knew what he was doing. I feel strong and proud of my body for bearing up under these many changes and so what if my feet hurt? My doctor says everything is perfect so far.

So it is with these things in mind that I think "Why do I need drugs? This is what God gave me this strong body for." I feel capable and self-confident like I do about very few things in my life. And honestly, if I do decide to take some medicinal help, I have a feeling it will be more a failing of my mind than of my body. That's why I'm thankful for my husband who understands what is important to me and has some strength to lend.

All that being said though I recognize that while God gave us strong bodies, he also gave us good doctors and the smart scientists to invent things like epidurals and that drugs are not all from the devil. So if it becomes necessary for some reason, I will try not to feel too bad if they end up sticking some happy juice into my spine. But I'm going to try the funny breathing first.

Doctor Funny

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. "You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "And I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the muffler, which I've never seen done in my entire career."

Week Thirty Three

Being well into my third trimester now, I don't think much about being pregnant anymore. Yes, I'm still growing a person alright, and that's a miracle and everything, but I'm pretty much a pro at this point. Yaaawn. Yes, these days I expertly maneuver my giant belly around and pat the squirmy little critter when she starts a new game of "Hey mom, wanna see me poke your liver?". No, I don't think much about pregnancy these days. I finished the books, I passed the class, and I'm not too worried about the remainder of Nubby's days on the Inside. But, you're probably wondering, whatever will you worry about now? Oh please, I shall reply, there's always something for me to worry about and now it's all about when Nubby weasels her way to the Outside.

A baby on the inside is no problem. It's a cinch, even! But a baby on the outside? What in the heck am I supposed to do with one of those?? When you're pregnant and something is not right, the instructions are very clear: lie down, drink some fluids. When you're unpregnanted and something is not right, the water is much murkier: change diaper, fill with fluids, burp, swaddle, unswaddle, lullaby, do a dance...sacrifice a chicken?

Unfortunately the baby books aren't helping too much in this regard. I've been reading a book called On Becoming Babywise that someone recommended to us. But it just makes keeping your baby happy seem so complicated and it stressed me out a little and I had to put it aside for a while. I went back to reading Childproofing Your Dog and that's a lot easier to comprehend at this point. The dog is a known entity, even if I have my doubts about her childproof-ability.

Of course, according to an article I read this week (can't remember where) there's a lot of things that you will miss about pregnancy once you deliver your baby. So there's something else to worry about. They were things like being waited on and being able to take naps whenever you wanted. Who wouldn't miss that stuff? Some of them I was a little skeptical about though, like missing people smiling at you when you are out. This is totally true by the way: every time I go to the grocery store now, everyone just grins at me and it freaks me out a little. I don't think I'm going to miss drawing so much attention to myself. There were some things the article didn't mention that I know I'll miss though, like being able to wear elastic-waisted pants all the time!

Oh yeah, I finally heard back about my glucose test and it was fine. To celebrate I had a giant piece of cake!

And in other news, the nursery is now a lovely shade of green and ready for some furniture now. The coming of the Nubby is getting closer and getting harder to believe all the time.